Abruptly following a debate about who killed whom in the event that both members of a couple die of a heart attack during sex...

Kai: Guys, how can you tell if a fish is choking?

Kent and Riss: ...

(To Kai via AIM)

Kent: So I was reading Cosmo again...Cosmo says that you think it's hot when girls wear tight jeans, heels, a white wife beater, and a black bra.

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Kent: Omg, this Cosmo has SCRATCH AND SNIFF!

[Note: He didn't reply to either of these. Fail.]

This isn't a Talbot person, but she's hilarious and I loved this quote

Erin: You can't heckle Mets fans. It's like kicking the disabled!

Door to Door guy looking for information to educate the underprivileged youth on careers: Do you have an exciting career you can tell me about?

Riss: I just graduated and I'm unemployed and living with my mother... and I'm standing here in my PJs at 2 pm.

Door to door guy: ... How was college?

(Kent is talking)

Kai: Shhhh.

Kent: Sorry...

Kai: No no, I just *motions at the TV*...transsexual hooker.

Maquela: What movie are you watching?
Kai: The Breakfast Club. Except for right now, they’re eating lunch.

Not Pirates?

Kai: "Dude. Navy SEALs are like ninjas."

Kai to Riss: Yeah for someone who burps and drinks beer and eats beef jerky, you're really dainty

Dying

Riss: Oh God! There's something in my eye! Oh God! It won't come out!

Kent: That's what she said.

Riss: Guys, I'm dying! This is not the time for that's what she saids

Lola: It's always time for a that's what she said

Terry: Apparently not when Marissa is dying

Kent: You're not dying. Stop being so dramatic.

Riss: I'm dramatic? I'm not the one who away messages is "dying dying dying dying dying dying"

Terry on Kool Aid: How do you eat this? Just rip off the top and SUCK it?

Riss: I'm studying Lesbian Feminism

Terry: I'm studying the Bible, which is kind of the opposite.

Riss: Of course he tells me about that stuff. I'm like his guy friend. We drink and burp together.

Riss: Yesterday I peed before I went to bed and then I didn't go again until 2 pm the next afternoon.

Terry: That's sick... but GOOD FOR YOU!

Maine Legalizes Gay Marriage

Riss: First Maine, now New Hampshire. One at a time they're like fuckin' dominoes!

-So excited

Two Mommies

Crystal: Lola, fix this...
Lola: I don't know if I can.
Crystal: Come on wifey, fix it for me.
Lola: I can't do it.
Crystal: YOU'RE A LESBIAN, FIX IT!

En Espanol

Cat Matt: Tu quieres un cig-pie?

Kent: Si.

Catmatt: Did you know that penguins are the most sexually flexible animals?

Riss: Even more so than Smithies?

Riss: They mate for life, ya know

Kai: Smithies?

Riss: No, penguins

Especially If They're In the Room

Terry: "Rissa, You should really be careful before you start picking on other people's birth defects."

Lola: I made up a word and it was real!

Caitlin: Really?

Lola: Wait, maybe not...yes, it's real.

Never Gonna Give You Up

Kai on Terry Francona: Whenever I hear his voice I think it's not coming out of him. He's like the Rick Astley of baseball.

Kent: But we can't use the dictionary because it's not real

Riss: Did you just say the dictionary isn't real?

Kent: That's what I said, it's not what I meant!

Definitions...

Kai: "Feminism: a system of beliefs in which women are the shit. There, feminism defined."

We's Gettin' Older

Rissa: "I don't want to describe it to you because that'd be awkward."
Kai: "That's OK. I don't need you to explain your butt pains to me."

But you went to Pride!

Rissa: I love gay people from afar, but not like, mouth to mouth.