This is how you gain the freshman 15...

Kent's Mom: Why so much sugar?

Kent: What?

Mom: The Rice Krispie Treat and the Red Bull have a ton of sugar.

Kent: (mumbling through some Rice Krispie treat) It tastes good.

Mom: But it makes you antsy, and then when the sugar dissipates you get hungry.

Kent: ...So then I eat again.

Not Talbot friends, but..

If you ever wonder where Tanner gets it from...

Tanner's mom: My face hurts from talking too much! (and she says this drunkenly)

and all of this was over lunch

Ranger: Then the second wave feminists came, and Smith went to shit.

Hannah: OH! You're talking about drinking!
Ranger: No shit, sherlock.
Lola: We're talking in code so that Crystal doesn't know what we're talking about.

Lola: We need a code word for rum. Like "apple juice."
Marissa: Lola loves apple juice.
Lola: Marissa has a big jug of apple juice.
Marissa: But why is the apple juice gone??

Star Wars + Talking = Misheard Amusements

Crystal: "Did I say uterus? 'Cuz I meant to say piercing."

On the Fence

discussing Crystal's accident where a part of the fence went through her leg*

Kent: [imitating Crystal] "I don't care where you touch me, just get me off!!"
Kai: [smiles] "That's what she said!"

*Crystal is fine, by the way...it wasn't a serious incident, just a minor accident that required antibiotics and a subtle yet amusing limp

No Sensor

Crystal: Why is it taking you so long to type?

Silence...

Crystal: I just talked to my computer out loud... dangit (hangs head)

Baby Butt

Marissa: I'm pretty sure it's for baby butts, but it's great for sensitive skin.

-While sexily applying lotion to her nose during a sinus infection.

Riss on Tanner's napping habits: That's not napping; that's hibernation!

Is that a muffin in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Almas hands Marissa her muffin: Will you take this back to the house for me? I have to go into town and I don't want this bulge in my pocket.

Riss: bursts out laughing.

Almas: If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, just stop.

Hannah: I've been thinking about taking Tylenol PM to help me sleep.

Riss: I've just been taking shots of hard alcohol before bed.

Hannah: WHAT IS COLLEGE DOING TO US?!

Riss: Hey Hannah, do you want some coffee?

Hannah: Mmm I dunno. I've been mixing my depressants and stimulants a lot lately.

Riss: I have Irish Creme so you can put a depressant in your stimulant.

Tanner: We don't have Jews where I'm from. But you don't have black people.

Rissa: There weren't a lot of black people at my high school because I went to a Catholic school. Not a lot of the blacks are Catholic.

Kent: A lot of Jews aren't Catholic, too!

* two minutes later*

Kent: What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Jews aren't Catholic!

Maybe "crazy" is his type

(talking about getting rid of some guy)

Riss: I try everything to make myself look crazy! Like I have tons of emotional baggage, have a drinking problem, listen to shitty music, I'm obsessed with Christmas..

Lola: .. all of which are true.

Lola drops highlighter: I'm not bending over to pick that up. You can keep it.

Lola: I can't help it. When I walk into a liquor store, I start feeling a little drunk. Just at the anticipation of being drunk.

Riss: Lola's been drinking rum with her tea every night.
Lola: Don't tell Crystal that!
Riss: Why not? You're legal.
Lola: Because sometimes I drink it in Fussers.

Mexican Wedding Food...yum!

(talking about Mexican Wedding cookies)
Kai: Think about it though. They just look like a hardened lump of dough. But then you eat them and they taste like heaven. It's a mindfuck but with a cookie.

Almas picks up Cosmo Magazine: What's this? Boobs?

That's What She Didn't Have to Say

Riss: Yes! Meat Loaf just came on my shuffle! ... Oh my God that sounded awful.

Crystal: She didn't even have to say it.

Dominant Vaginas

(discussing who does and doesn't follow the Talbot house menstrual cycle)

Emily: Well I just sync with everyone because I don't have a dominant vagina!

You're a Mean Girl, You're a BITCH!

Kent: "Mean Girls? Of course I have Mean Girls. It's like my life in a DVD case."

It's a Queer Queer World

CatMatt: (talking about the gay pride flag) "That should just be a flag for everyone."
Kent: "Not everyone can be as cool as the gays."

Best Thing Crystal Has Ever Done

Kai talking about the papers he has to write:

Kai: FUCK ME!

Crystal: *Makes a suggestive head gesture at Kent towards Kai.*

Thank God it's only in my head

Ranger: My laptop is burning my lef

Ranger: *leg

Riss: Wow, my train of thought was fucked up on that one.

Ranger: ?

Riss: In my head, when I saw "lef" it was "left" and then I instinctually followed it with the word "nut."

Translation: My laptop is burning my left nut...

Lola: BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?
Riss: Because Lola drinks it all.

Riss: I wish Crystal was here. I need to fart.

Explode

Riss: I have had the beginning of this sentence up to where the verb should be for about 30 min now and I have no idea what to do with it
Lola: put in the verb "explodes" and see what happens
Riss: "Weber's ideal type for status-based stratification explodes..."

Inappropriate

During dinner at the Teapot:

Lindsey: Being appropriate is boring.
Kent: Should I take my shirt off? Would that be inappropriate enough for you?

Tomato, Tomahto

Riss: You can close that draw if it's in your way.

Crystal: What?

Riss: The draw, you can close it if it's in your way.

Crystal: Are you saying "drawer?"

Riss: Yeah, draw.

Crystal: Can I come up?

Riss: Give me a couple minutes.

Crystal: Why, are you naked again?

Riss: No, I just farted.

Crystal: Look at the teddy bears.

Riss: Aw they're mating.

Crystal: They're not mating, they're friends!

Riss: Why do I associate everything with sex?! I never should have lost my virginity!

Kai: Aphrodisiacs don't work.

Riss: Know what works? Porn.

One for the History Books

"But when I eat a mango, I cut it up. You just don't do that with a girl."

Gar, discussing the feminine sexual innuendo equivalent of a banana

So then what's the hamburger?

Kai: "Camel Lights are gross."
Rory: "That's because Camel Lights are the bologna of cigarettes. And cloves are the steak."

Keeping the Man Down

Kai on his Celebration chalking being covered by leaves:

Kai: This is oppression! They're keeping the man down!

Kent: Isn't it supposed to be the man keeping you down?

Kai: No, this is a women's college.

Kent: Oh yeah...

Riss: Do you find that Smith takes all the joy out of all of your passions and interests?

Crystal on her culinary abilities: I've just gotten used to eating some foods burned. It's just another flavor.

Riss on vegan nuggets: I wish I knew more about them... (Looks at it puzzled)

Chalking

Kai: There's a rainbow in my sweatshirt. That's how much pride I take in my chalking.

Shit

Amanda: UHHH I hate this assignment! I just wanna poop all over it!

Later on...

Riss: Dude, we just made asses out of ourselves in front of everyone.

Amanda: Um, I believe I was the one talking about spreading my feces everywhere.

Kai: Your book is yellow and my book is white. Your book is Asian!

Kai: Hey Leah, I like your shirt.

Leah: Thanks, I got it.

"So basically, you want people to cut up their credit cards... and die."
- Lola's prof on her strategies for overturning Prop 8

Midnight Snack

Kent: Ohh whatcha got? Yogurt.

Cat Mat: Yeah and my fridge is super cold, so it's like frozen.

Kent and Riss: Ooooh so it's like... frozen yogurt.

Riss:... actually that's exactly what it is...

Mensa

Marissa: We're Talbot's Mensa! Too socially awkward to be friends with anyone else!

Kent: Oh, I need to update my gay playlist with the new Girlyman!

Crystal to Kai as he's choking: Easy there, quickfire.

NAKED TIME

Crystal: Are you studying?

Riss: No... but I'm naked.

Crystal: ...Is that option B?

Riss: Do you want some paper?

*Goes to pull paper out and knocks over everything on her desk*

Crystal: No, I don't want paper. (In stern, panicked voice)

Hannah: It's hot in your room.

Riss: It's because of you Hannah.

Hannah: Oh well then it feels like a fire in there.

Crystal: Well there's a fire in my pants now.

Good morning sunshine

Crystal: When are leaving?

Kai: 5:30 tomorrow MORNING.

Crystal: That's BAD. 5:30 is just bad. If you're up til then, it's bad. If you wake up then, it's bad. It's just BAD.

Who Needs Men?

Marissa: There is only one man that truly understands me, Frank Sinatra.

Crystal: That's the way I feel about Elvis.

Crystal: White man runs my life. He tells me when I can walk, when I can't, where to go...

Kai and Marissa: Crystal, it's the walk signal...

When Close Friends Get Too Close

Crystal to Marissa: Where have you been?! I came to your room and you weren't there and then I tried calling you but you didn't answer. I thought you were lost somewhere or something happened and I was so worried because I missed... one meal with you...

Potty Humor

Almas: You should send him a picture of a turd. I'll take the picture if you like.

Voting

Lola to the elderly gentleman upon entering the polling place wearing a Democrat T-shirt: Should I take my shirt off?

Old man: ....

Catching up

Since this semester has been rich with quotable gems, I've decided to dedicate a blog solely dedicated to recording them.

Crystal: Riss, I'm nervous about this election. What if all the white people are lying?

Riss: You know you're white, right?

--------------------------

Riss: I don't even want to brush my teeth. I just want to let my body rot.

--------------------------

Kai: See this? This is the pile of nerd and it's getting bigger.

--------------------------

Crystal: So you went to a co-ed school?
Lola: Yeah
Crystal: What was that like?

---------------------------------

Caroline: No, you smell like Marissa.
Me:... and that smells like....
Caroline: Marissa smells like coffee, candles, and hair.

---------------------------------

Kai: Do you like Girls Like Boys?
Kent: No.
Kai: Why not?
Crystal: Heteronormativity

--------------------------------

Kai: I feel like I just fell into someone's ass!

--------------------------------

Kai on kosher hot dogs: They're still made out of animal reject parts. They're just killed properly.