Talbot Friends' Quotes

the butch rules (edited & expanded)

2010-05-29T10:54:00.001-04:00

1. Butches don't cry.
2. Focus on your naked woman.
3. Suck it up with a butch tap.
4. Butches always eat blue cotton candy.
5. Butches always light their own cigarettes.
5A. It's ok for one butch to light another butch's cigarette, then it's butch bonding.
6. Treat your woman right.
7. Sometimes even a butch has to wear a dress.
8. Butches always open their own stuff.
9. Butches don't ask for directions.

Rules of Being Butch, according to Crystal & Kent, a.k.a. Talbot Mensa's resident butches

2010-05-21T19:44:00.003-04:00

1. Butches don't cry.
2. Focus on your naked woman.
3. Suck it up with a butch tap.
4. Butches always eat blue cotton candy.
5. Butches always light their own cigarettes.
5A. It's ok for one butch to light another butch's cigarette, then it's butch bonding.
6. Respect your woman.
7. Sometimes even a butch has to wear a dress.

it's not hard to dream you'll always be my Konstantine

2010-05-18T23:07:00.003-04:00

Lola: SoCo is already sold out
Kent: I just died
Lola: They might add more tour dates
Kent: Am dead
Lola: I'll make sure they play SoCo at your funeral
Kent: This is like if the Red Sox broke up and got together for one more season and it sold out

2010-05-05T00:35:00.002-04:00

J-Tom: I think I'm actually gonna do this, goddamn.
Everyone in Fussers: Yay! Sushi Cat!
J-Tom: Actually, I was talking about Comparative Literature.

2010-05-02T23:01:00.002-04:00

Lola: I should call them "women accused of lesbian activity."
Kent: Accused? That's a little harsh.
Lola: They were in concentration camps.

AIDS isn't funny.......UNLESS

2010-01-15T23:39:00.002-05:00

(via AIM)
Crystal: "I always wanna say I love AIDS. You can't say that, though."
Kai: "No. No you can't."

Road Trippin'

2010-01-05T21:51:00.002-05:00

Tanner: "I'm going to Boston tomorrow night."
Kai: "Eliot?"
Tanner: "Huh? No. Concert. I haven't talked to Eliot in I don't know how long."
Kai: "Oh...OK! Have fun then! I would've said that for Eliot too...but regardless!"

2010-01-05T19:58:00.002-05:00

(via AIM)

Kent: I'm painting my desk
Kai: why?
Kent: I'm painting it rainbow
Kai: nvm lol

Truth!

2010-01-04T20:34:00.002-05:00

(via AIM)
Kai: "OMG. I think Swag ran in circles too many times."
Rissa: "hahaha."
Kai: "She's lost her fucking mind right now."
Rissa: "Oh. I thought you were talking about the department. And the theoretical writings."

Feelin' HOT HOT HOT...

2010-01-04T13:15:00.001-05:00

Kai: "Warm I don't mind. I don't like hot. Unless it's coffee. Or my women."

I'll do anything for food...

2009-12-17T19:34:00.001-05:00

Kent to Kai, via AIM: If I'm not getting free pizza out of it, I don't need sketchy guys checking me out.

there was tequila involved, too

2009-11-28T19:55:00.001-05:00

Elaine, Erica's Roommate: What school are you at, again?
Lola: Smith.
Erica, Lola's BFF since 7th grade: *fondly* My little preppy lesbian.

It's not alcoholism if you're not drinking alone

2009-11-20T00:09:00.002-05:00

Kent: Yeah, I have class tomorrow *pours a shot.*

The Way to the Heart...

2009-10-27T23:43:00.002-04:00

Kai: "Chocolate is the food of love, and the greatest comfort after human-to-human contact."
Crunch: "And mac 'n cheese."

French Homework

2009-10-25T22:51:00.001-04:00

Shari-Marie: Why are teeth feminine? Oh right, because vaginas have teeth.

Burn!

2009-10-14T00:19:00.001-04:00

Kai: I'll have sex with you if you write my paper.

Kent: Not worth it.

2009-10-13T23:57:00.001-04:00

Kai: Owww.

Kent: What?

Kai: The hair on my stomach is poking through my shirt...and I didn't realize that's what it was until I pulled it out.

2009-10-13T23:55:00.001-04:00

Kai: My computer is racist.

Kent: How?

Kai: It capitalizes "Caucasian."

Kent: Aren't you supposed to capitalize "Caucasian?"

Kai: No...well, you can, but you don't have to. My computer forces it upon me.

extremely out of context fyi

2009-10-13T20:38:00.001-04:00

kai: wow lola, that's really good.
lola: what?
kai: your vagina.
lola: it's cute, isn't it??

Don Quixote is the new Captain Morgan

2009-10-13T00:15:00.002-04:00

(via AIM)
Kai: "Somehow I feel you would do something like this while drunk: (268): she thought 'don quixote' was a type of tequila."
Lola: "I KNOW WHO HE IS! I wouldn't confuse Don Quixote with a type of tequila."
Lola: "But I'm flattered that you thought of me."

Keep Going, and Going, and Going...

2009-10-12T00:39:00.001-04:00

(While watching a commercial for Energizer batteries)

Kent: You know, you should use Energizer batteries for vibrators. Then they'd keep going!

More About Boobs

2009-10-12T00:33:00.001-04:00

Kai: "You slapped her in the tit!"
Kent: "I didn't slap it. I bumped it. Like Bump It!"
Kai: "Bump It?! You mean BOP It?!"

Boobs?

2009-10-10T23:58:00.001-04:00

Kai: "Why are you playing with your boob?"
Kent: "I'm not playing. I'm bouncing it."

2009-10-07T19:20:00.001-04:00

(Via AIM)

Kent: Lesbian.

Lola: I wish I was. Just like I wish I was a Jew. I wish I was a Jewish lesbian. I want to be you, Kent.

Cheer me up!

2009-10-07T16:36:00.001-04:00

Lola: I need you to cheer me up.

Kent: How?

Lola: By being you!

Kent: Oh, I thought you were gonna ask for like, sex or something.

Riddle Me This

2009-10-05T22:45:00.001-04:00

Lola: "What gets wetter as it dries?"
Kai: "Your mom."
Kent: "Spaghetti."
Crystal: "A towel."

"Udderly" Hilarious...

2009-10-05T21:54:00.001-04:00

(at a petting zoo, checking out the animals)
Tanner: "WHOA! Check out the udders on THAT one!"

Penis!

2009-10-04T20:56:00.003-04:00

(Talking about Kent's drawing of a penis on Tanner's whiteboard)

Kai: Your penises look weird.

Kent: How many penises have you seen?

Kai: More than you, apparently.

Kent: I have seen...two.

Tanner: God, I feel like a whore.

2009-10-04T15:17:00.001-04:00

Crystal: Jacoby Ellsbury is the Chuck Norris of baseball

Reading Reading...

2009-09-30T21:31:00.002-04:00

Kent: "Sometimes I get sick of reading about lesbians. Is that bad?"
Crystal: "Sometimes I would get sick of reading about Africans."

There are limits...

2009-09-29T19:46:00.003-04:00

Kai: Can I call you Granola Crunch?

Treacy: You can call me whatever you want!

Kent: Can I call you vagina-face?

Treacy: No. At least not in public.

2009-09-27T19:48:00.001-04:00

Kent: You have an ex???
Crystal: Yes.
Kent: Sorry, I just think of you as-
Crystal: Celibate?
Kent: Yes.

Sox Games

2009-09-27T16:36:00.002-04:00

(upon hearing the game announcer mention the sunny weather at Yankee Stadium)

Crystal: "Of course it's sunny there. It's Hell. It's from the fire!"

2009-09-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

(Trying to help Hannah make up a logic puzzle)

Crystal: Three Talboteers walk into a bar...no, that's a true story.

Roommate Contract

2009-09-13T23:53:00.001-04:00

From the topics covered in this kit, what are some areas you feel we may have significant differences?

Kent: "You're a boy."
Kai: "You're a Jew."

True Story.

2009-09-11T19:11:00.002-04:00

(via AIM)
Kai: "Wanna go to the liquor store?"
Lola: "Silly question. Let me put on a bra."

Common Sense

2009-09-09T22:48:00.001-04:00

Kent: "I'm trying to see if he's a Republican. It says, 'Political Views: Common Sense.' He's a Democrat."

boobs!

2009-09-09T21:14:00.000-04:00

Treacy: I invited Marta.

Kent: To come see my boobs?

Gifts that are Weird to Give

2009-09-09T20:14:00.002-04:00

Crystal: "On Facebook, I got this message that says 'This person has just sent you a horse. Would you like to give one back?' "
Kent: "You should accept it!"
Crystal: "No! Because then she'll give me a farm, and that's something I don't want!"

This Is What Happens After COllege

2009-09-09T19:36:00.001-04:00

Crystal: "What are those things called?"
Kent: "A book?"

And the Awkward Returns...

2009-09-06T18:42:00.003-04:00

(Marta, standing awkwardly)
Marta: "This feels natural."
Kai: "That should NEVER feel natural..."

(Marta, sitting on Treacy's lap)
Marta: "Did you just LICK my BACK?!"
Treacy: "No! I nuzzled it!"

AIM funny

2009-08-30T15:19:00.001-04:00

(So I'm on AIM and check my Talbot Mensa Buddy list (it's separate from the rest of Smith, like we should be haha) and notice that Kent and Kai are both asleep on AIM and comment on this out loud to myself)

Crystal: Awww Kent and Kai are sleeping together

Just Keep Swimming...

2009-08-17T00:17:00.001-04:00

(talking to Jiggly about my beta)
Kai: "Holy shit! They live and average of 3 YEARS!!"
Kai: "That means my fish is gonna have a midlife crisis soon."

tight jeans...oh my!

2009-08-16T17:30:00.003-04:00

(via AIM)

Kent: The time has come to put on my jeans. Wish me luck.

Kai: Buena suerte.

Kent: Crap.

Kai: ?

Kent: I forgot to pee first.

Kai: Hahahahahaha.

Homonyms

2009-08-16T12:31:00.002-04:00

Kai: "It pisses me off when people try to put meaningful things in their fb status, but they spell it wrong. Like "Courage, don't dessert me."
Kai: "To me, that says, 'Courage, don't turn me into an ice cream sundae.'"
Rissa: "Haha. Courage doesn't torch me like a creme brulee."

I read fast, so sue me

2009-08-04T17:54:00.003-04:00

Discussing a book that I bought about 2 hours before this conversation:

Kent: I finished my book.
Kai: You finished your book!? But you just bought that today!
Kent: (sad voice) I know!
Kai: What are you going to do tomorrow??
Kent: ...drive home?
Kai: Oh yeah.

Watching a movie and this Gem came out

2009-08-01T20:31:00.002-04:00

Crystal: Porn is not a background noise. You're either watching it or you're not!"

Cotton Ball Wall

2009-07-28T19:02:00.001-04:00

-Kai describing the experience of taking Percocet-

kaixpie (6:58:55 PM): I can describe exactly how it feels

kaixpie (6:59:18 PM): It feels exactly like running into a brick wall covered in millions of cotton balls

kaixpie (7:00:07 PM): it stops you dead in your tracks, but with a beautifully soft cushion

divachic1717 (7:00:17 PM): hahahahahahah

2009-07-26T15:42:00.001-04:00

Riss: My biological clock is thumping away

Crystal: Mine too - it has been since around 16 I think... they're accelerated in the South.

2009-07-26T15:34:00.002-04:00

Rissa: I'm going to be 22 in a week. Well, there's another prime child-bearing year GONE.
(beat)
OMG I'm a terrible feminist!!! Where the HELL did that come from!?

Non-heteronormative much?

2009-07-25T19:31:00.002-04:00

(via AIM)

Discussing the fact that I've started wearing makeup to work:

Kai: -sigh- why?

Kent: Dunno...I like purple eyeshadow? Why?

Kai: Idk...I was concerned that you might've been giving in to the expectations of femininity.

Gloria Steinem would Sic Christian Bale on you for that one...

2009-07-18T01:48:00.002-04:00

(via AIM)

Kent: "I'm not concerned with my health, I'm concerned with my weight."
Kent: "BAD FEMINIST!"
Kent: "BAD"

Cybersex... JUST KIDDING! Got your attention though...

2009-07-01T23:03:00.002-04:00

Lola: I met him on the Internet... I feel slightly pathetic.
Riss: Haven't you seen "You've Got Mail"?! He's the Tom Hanks to your Meg Ryan!
Lola: Diamonds are the friendliest flowers!

...........

(See following post for clarification on that last statement)

Lola Being Lola

2009-07-01T23:01:00.001-04:00

Lola: Diamonds are the friendliest flower.
(beat)
Lola: haha I mixed up two IMs. DAISIES are the friendliest flowers! I had a beer on an empty stomach. It's Lola being Lola!

2009-07-01T15:03:00.002-04:00

(Upon walking into the Clark Hall reception office, which has been redecorated via an Ikea adventure)

Kent: It's kind of dark in here.

Andria: It's Zen.

(A few minutes later, while I'm rubbing Kai's belly)

Kai: I'm not Buddha.

Kent: It's Zen, and you're the Buddha!

It's not a Talboteer, but no one updates anymore so I am

2009-06-28T01:19:00.002-04:00

(Kiwi is showing me a costume-ish top she bought)

Kent: I see Peter Pan.
Kiwi: But when will I ever wear this?
Kent: Halloween.

Kent: Wait, do they have Halloween in England?
Kiwi: Yes...

Clark Hall

2009-06-17T16:36:00.003-04:00

(reading Yahoo!'s Odd News headlines)

Kai: "Man dresses up as dead mom in weird scam."
Meggan: "Like in Psycho?"
Kai: "Yeah, I guess so."
Meggan: "UGGHH, Why do they need to?!"

2009-06-13T19:09:00.001-04:00

Cash Cab Guy: According to Urban Dictionary, what is the term used to describe girls who are too old for toys but too young for boys?

Rissa: Prosti-tots!!!!

Correct answer was "tweens"

2009-06-06T12:46:00.003-04:00

Kai on New York having to vote on gay marriage by June 22nd:

"They better fuckin do it or i'mma drive over to Albany and stick my foot up someone's ass...wrapped in a rainbow flag with glitter and feathers."

Creeper McCreeperson

2009-06-03T00:47:00.002-04:00

Rissa: "OK I"m off to bed."
Kai: "Okie doke...I'll prolly see ya in dreamland shortly."
Kai: "WHY DOES THAT SOUND CREEPY EVERY TIME I SAY IT?!"
Rissa: "Uhh, cuz it's a creepy thing to say."
Kai: "True story. Goodnight!"
Rissa: "Goodnight!"

Friends Don't Let Friends....

2009-06-03T00:38:00.003-04:00

(talking about her two friends via AIM)
Kent: "They totally wanna do each other."
Kai: "Um, thanks for telling me about your friends' sexual interests."

Tweet, Tweet

2009-06-03T00:22:00.002-04:00

Kai: "I have a confession."
Crystal: "Uh huh..."
Kai: "Uhm...I gave in to Twitter. BUT--I refuse to become a Tweethead."
Crystal: "You already know the lingo!"
Kai: "No, I made that up."
Crystal: "You're already contributing to the lingo!"

Continuing with the synonyms

2009-06-02T17:24:00.001-04:00

Riss: Melanie is synonymous with insurance liability

2009-06-02T17:21:00.002-04:00

Talking about Geotea lawncare

Riss: I bet it smells like poop though. Organic is like synonymous with poop.

2009-05-27T21:46:00.001-04:00

Abruptly following a debate about who killed whom in the event that both members of a couple die of a heart attack during sex...

Kai: Guys, how can you tell if a fish is choking?

Kent and Riss: ...

2009-05-23T16:56:00.002-04:00

(To Kai via AIM)

Kent: So I was reading Cosmo again...Cosmo says that you think it's hot when girls wear tight jeans, heels, a white wife beater, and a black bra.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kent: Omg, this Cosmo has SCRATCH AND SNIFF!

[Note: He didn't reply to either of these. Fail.]

2009-05-23T16:50:00.001-04:00

This isn't a Talbot person, but she's hilarious and I loved this quote

Erin: You can't heckle Mets fans. It's like kicking the disabled!

2009-05-23T16:46:00.002-04:00

Door to Door guy looking for information to educate the underprivileged youth on careers: Do you have an exciting career you can tell me about?

Riss: I just graduated and I'm unemployed and living with my mother... and I'm standing here in my PJs at 2 pm.

Door to door guy: ... How was college?

2009-05-17T19:26:00.001-04:00

(Kent is talking)

Kai: Shhhh.

Kent: Sorry...

Kai: No no, I just *motions at the TV*...transsexual hooker.

2009-05-16T22:27:00.001-04:00

Maquela: What movie are you watching?
Kai: The Breakfast Club. Except for right now, they’re eating lunch.

Not Pirates?

2009-05-13T23:41:00.001-04:00

Kai: "Dude. Navy SEALs are like ninjas."

2009-05-09T00:09:00.002-04:00

Kai to Riss: Yeah for someone who burps and drinks beer and eats beef jerky, you're really dainty

Dying

2009-05-07T13:35:00.002-04:00

Riss: Oh God! There's something in my eye! Oh God! It won't come out!

Kent: That's what she said.

Riss: Guys, I'm dying! This is not the time for that's what she saids

Lola: It's always time for a that's what she said

Terry: Apparently not when Marissa is dying

Kent: You're not dying. Stop being so dramatic.

Riss: I'm dramatic? I'm not the one who away messages is "dying dying dying dying dying dying"

2009-05-07T13:33:00.002-04:00

Terry on Kool Aid: How do you eat this? Just rip off the top and SUCK it?

Riss: I'm studying Lesbian Feminism

Terry: I'm studying the Bible, which is kind of the opposite.

2009-05-07T13:32:00.002-04:00

Riss: Of course he tells me about that stuff. I'm like his guy friend. We drink and burp together.

2009-05-06T19:08:00.001-04:00

Riss: Yesterday I peed before I went to bed and then I didn't go again until 2 pm the next afternoon.

Terry: That's sick... but GOOD FOR YOU!

Maine Legalizes Gay Marriage

2009-05-06T17:07:00.002-04:00

Riss: First Maine, now New Hampshire. One at a time they're like fuckin' dominoes!

-So excited

Two Mommies

2009-05-05T19:59:00.001-04:00

Crystal: Lola, fix this...
Lola: I don't know if I can.
Crystal: Come on wifey, fix it for me.
Lola: I can't do it.
Crystal: YOU'RE A LESBIAN, FIX IT!

En Espanol

2009-05-05T15:27:00.001-04:00

Cat Matt: Tu quieres un cig-pie?

Kent: Si.

2009-05-04T19:58:00.002-04:00

Catmatt: Did you know that penguins are the most sexually flexible animals?

Riss: Even more so than Smithies?

Riss: They mate for life, ya know

Kai: Smithies?

Riss: No, penguins

Especially If They're In the Room

2009-05-03T23:06:00.002-04:00

Terry: "Rissa, You should really be careful before you start picking on other people's birth defects."

2009-05-03T21:58:00.001-04:00

Lola: I made up a word and it was real!

Caitlin: Really?

Lola: Wait, maybe not...yes, it's real.

Never Gonna Give You Up

2009-05-03T17:18:00.001-04:00

Kai on Terry Francona: Whenever I hear his voice I think it's not coming out of him. He's like the Rick Astley of baseball.

2009-05-02T22:57:00.002-04:00

Kent: But we can't use the dictionary because it's not real

Riss: Did you just say the dictionary isn't real?

Kent: That's what I said, it's not what I meant!

Definitions...

2009-05-02T22:56:00.002-04:00

Kai: "Feminism: a system of beliefs in which women are the shit. There, feminism defined."

We's Gettin' Older

2009-05-02T22:37:00.002-04:00

Rissa: "I don't want to describe it to you because that'd be awkward."
Kai: "That's OK. I don't need you to explain your butt pains to me."

But you went to Pride!

2009-05-02T14:45:00.001-04:00

Rissa: I love gay people from afar, but not like, mouth to mouth.

If you know what I mean...

2009-04-28T12:52:00.002-04:00

While carrying a large box that belongs to Kai:

Caitlin: I like your package.

Kent: Thanks.

Caitlin: It's very large.

Kent: It's not mine, it's Kai's.

(Molly and Heather burst out laughing.)

HEATWAVE!!!!

2009-04-28T10:07:00.002-04:00

Kai: "I've given up pleasantries when it comes to scratching my ass in public. Maybe I get away with it because I'm a man, but I just don't give a shit. It's too fucking hot."

No further explanation needed...

2009-04-27T23:17:00.001-04:00

Cat Matt: Why did you Google his name?

MC: I have a paper to do.

Sploosh

2009-04-26T21:42:00.002-04:00

Catmatt: Should I make sploosh?

Riss: What's Sploosh?

Lola: Goldfish and Ramen.

Catmatt: No, it's WAY more complicated than that.

tv fail.

2009-04-26T21:39:00.001-04:00

Lola: He totally just played with his junk on national television.

I like old, dead people..

2009-04-26T21:38:00.001-04:00

Cat Matt: Oh my god, Alexander Hamilton was SO hott!

Lola: Yeah, I know!

2009-04-25T00:41:00.001-04:00

*while listening to Fergilicious*
Marissa: Sometimes when I listen to this song, I sing 'Rissalicious' instead of "Fergilicious"

2009-04-25T00:33:00.001-04:00

Marissa: Everyone grab one boob, so you can't tell one of mine has a problem.
...
KENT, CONFORM!!!

2009-04-24T00:57:00.001-04:00

Lola: I think he's gay though. Or at least ragingly bisexual.

Professional MadLibs

2009-04-24T00:36:00.001-04:00

Lola: Help me finish this sentence. It's like MadLibs... only it's an application.

so many unanswered questions

2009-04-23T11:25:00.001-04:00

Tanner: Can I borrow our moustache?
Lola: Sure. Wait.... 'our' moustache?
Tanner: Did I say that? I meant to say 'the' moustache.
(beat)
Why do we have a moustache anyway?
Lola: I made it.
Tanner: NO WAY!
(beat)
Why did you make a moustache??

Sweet...

2009-04-23T00:09:00.001-04:00

Kai: "jooooos"
Caitlin: "It's what you get when you squeeze a synagogue."

Do you really want a baby that badly?

2009-04-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

(Walking by the Campus School)

Cat Matt: They're a little too old to steal.